not a string of perfect words

i listened to a podcast this week (here it is) and the interviewee said something that hit me

don’t try to show up with lots of words all strung together perfectly.

just show up.

say “here I am” and be authentic.

so here i am, nothing prepped. no poem, nothing deep on my mind. just many unwanted feeling:

sadness, un-motivation, sleepiness, self-consciousness, confusion, worry, annoyance.

it has been cloudy for weeks. i am someone who instantly is unhappy once the sun disappears (like instantly). one second there’s a bit of sun: i’m content and the next second clouds come: i’m sad.

so this is me being authentic.

maybe my instagram posts look pretty, but the girl behind the photos is homesick; in shock from culture differences; annoyed with not being able to communicate, understand, or explain herself in French. she struggles not to cry during French class, while writing this post, or even while gardening. i miss exploring with my family, laughing with my friends, the familiarity of target and hugs desperately.

don’t get me wrong, life here is wonderful and simple. i am deeply content and at peace, but i think being joyful/ happy is another thing.

some days I have extreme, unexplainable joy, like this past weekend when I got to meet new people, learn about different cultures and beliefs and speak in English for a bit. but now, the sun is gone and I sit in the cold singing to John Mayer, missing the warmth of the sun.

I mean it with my whole being that Jesus is my comfort through and through, but what does that look like when I wake up finding out that if i return to California this summer for my sister’s wedding, I might not be able to get back into France. trusting God’s providence and faithfulness daily hurts y’all. it’s hard.

let’s rip some weeds out so that we can plant some seeds for good things:)