homesickness

runs deep. 

i miss places, faces and feelings. 

sunshine, hugs and iced coffee. 

here’s how i’ve been walking through that:

when i find myself missing a specific place, i imagine i’m there. 

i focus and think about how i would feel if i were there. i picture what would be around me, who would be next to me, and what would be running through my head. 

i realized something when i was doing this;

that even when i was there i wasn’t fully happy. yes i am deeply content in each moment but i am constantly self-conscious, anxious and planning my next moments.

when i imagine even some of my favorite places, i remember how even on the best days i was uncomfortable. 

so in this i decided, i’m done over glorifying things that are past. i’m done romanticizing the future possibilities.  (“when this happens, then i will be happy”), if you know me personally, you know i’m optimistic and chase after my big ambitions: that’s not going to change. 

but i’m done:

finding my joy in superficial things. 

finding comfort in people who continually break my trust and expectations. 

finding my hope in fleeting dreams. 

because here i am. i chased my dream: to live and france and work in a coffee shop. i’m doing it, but thanks to covid even my dream life isn’t fully a reality. 

(the cafe is closed and i don’t speak french. life is hard here some days if you haven’t caught that yet.) 

so, it’s time to trust God who never lets me down, who is my constant comfort. He, who gives me joy when i’m falling apart and who hears me crying out missing the home i once knew, where i felt safe. 

he is my safety.